A few years ago now, I gave in, after weeks of trying to ignore a persistent calling to give the Lord my undivided attention for a day. I took myself off to a local church and installed myself on the floor at the foot of the tabernacle for some much needed Jesus time.
I was slightly fearful of what I was going to hear, what was it that was so important that required consistent poking from different people, different tugs on my heart in the readings all telling me to give myself the space to listen.
I’d prepared as best I could, confession, Mass, Rosary, morning prayer and an open heart ready to hear what must surely be important.
What I hadn’t prepared for though was silence. Complete silence.
No sense of His presence with me, no stirring to read a particular piece of scripture, no word rising in my heart about any situation or person. Just silence.
For the first hour, I shifted about, re read the days readings, wrote some lines in my journal about things to be thankful for, things I was sorry for, worries or fears I had been carrying. Pausing in between to give Him space to step in and take the lead.
But I was met by silence.
So four and a half hours later, sat staring at the tabernacle door with no sense of why I was there, I collected my bag, did up my coat and slowly made my way to the car, turning every few steps just in case He was going to call me back and reveal the purpose of being summoned in such a way.
I cried on the way home, I’d showed up but I didn’t really feel that God had, like He’d meant to come but had found something more important or deserving to go to instead……Just like all the times in the past month that He had faithfully waited for me to show up or even glance His way. It was a reflection of my own commitment to our relationship.
The lonely place takes some vulnerability doesn’t it. It requires a nakedness few of us are comfortable with, so much so we will use every possible thing to avoid it. If it feels like God doesn’t show up then is He really enough? If I give any space to the thought He isn’t, then every hope, truth and reason crumbles. If I accept that yes He is, then the fault has to lie with me….Gut. Punch.
So why when we are made in the image of a relational God would we ever be called to Solitude? How do we glorify him sitting in hermits cave ? The answer lies in that time being relational with Him, being laid bare with all our wounds, anger, emotions and nothing to hide them with. It’s that bitter sweet discovery of our poverty and yet our belovedness that makes every other step in growth possible.
It’s here Loneliness is transformed into a sacred solitude. The gap between them widening only with a deepening intimacy with our creator.
So here’s an invitation to the Lonely place. It comes with a promise that He will meet you there, right in those shallows. He will lead you as deep as you’ll permit him to.
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