
This week, (after weeks of trying to ignore a persistent calling to give the Lord my undivided attention for a day) I took myself off to a local church and installed myself on the floor in front of the tabernacle for some much needed Jesus time.
I was slightly fearful of what I was going to hear, what was it that was so important that required consistent poking from different people, different tugs on my heart in the readings all telling me to give myself the space to listen?
I’d prepared as best I could, confession, Mass, Rosary and an open heart ready to hear what must surely be important.
What I hadn’t prepared for though was silence. Complete silence.
No sense of His presence with me, no stirring to read a particular piece of scripture, no word rising in my heart about any situation or person. Just silence.
For the first hour, I shifted about, re-read the day’s readings, wrote some lines in my journal, pausing in between to give Him space to step in and take the lead.
But I was met by silence.
So after four and a half hours of sitting, staring at the tabernacle door with no sense of why I was there, I collected my bag, did up my coat and slowly made my way to the car, turning every few steps just in case He was going to call me back and reveal the purpose of being summoned in such a way.
I cried on the way home. I’d showed up, but I didn’t really feel that God had, like He’d meant to come. Rather He had found something more important or deserving to go to instead…. A reflection I realised of my own heart, of all the times in the past month that He has faithfully waited for me to put him first.
This Sunday’s Gospel is a wake up call, I’m called to love Him when it’s hard, I’m called to love Him when He doesn’t dance to my dysfunctional tune, I’m called to love him enough to sit in silence just because that is what I’ve been asked to do. I’m called to love Him enough to trust there is a purpose to everything, even if I can’t understand what it is.
Do I love him with all my heart, mind and strength? I’m trying and often failing, but until I’m fully there His mercy will, I pray, fill the void #lovethelordyourGod #sundaygospel #allyourheart