“If you could make me pass out any time now that would be great Lord” I prayed with every thing I had in me. “Someone else will cover the talk, and I won’t look like I’ve just chickened out” of course He didn’t, instead he gave me the grace to deliver the talk to a room full of priests, nuns and young adults all who were far more equipped to deliver it than I felt I was. ( except it was on Sin and confession and I was very experienced in both) The friar holding the microphone handed it to me saying “God will give you the words”. As I couldn’t at that moment speak, consumed with fear, I just took the microphone and hoped God would answer the earlier prayer.
Don’t you want to hug St Paul in today’s second reading, tell him “hey, it’s ok, Gods got this right ?” How many times have we felt called to proclaim the good news, the truth, even just HIM. when, in earthly terms it’s not comfortable, in fact everything in you says, ARGGGHHH not here, not now. Yet the words come out, you can’t stop them. The trap door opens and the truth sprints out and dances in front of you, laughs at your horror and proclaims truth, really loudly. Whatever you try to do nothing can coax it back behind that door, it’s embracing its liberation.
We are called to be light, sometimes that looks like a flipping big flare and sometimes it’s a warm glow, God knows which is the best for the soul in front of you He’s pursuing,…..and we don’t.
Years ago, I was street pastoring, and in a conversation with a fairly aggressive man, “trouble is with you Christians” he said “Is you think everyone’s going to Hell” I smiled fairly sweetly and said “ do you think God is real?” “Hmmm probably but I don’t want to be a hypocrite like you” He said. My reply even 8 years later makes me wince with anguish “well then yes you probably are” I said and I left it there. I got home and vowed to work out a better response for the next time, so that I didn’t single handedly affirm every atheist in Salisbury.
I prayed hard for that magic bullet, the words that would stop the conversation dead with no comeback. Like Moses’ staff I would cast it down and everyone would know that…..well that didn’t even happen for him did it?
I was given an answer though, Inadvertently through an inspired talk I was given the words to say. So from that day on I would/ still just say…”look, it’s not my job to prove this to you, I can’t. but God can, that’s His job, go home and when you are alone, ask Him, ask Him to show you He is there and just how much he wants you to know him. You’ve nothing to lose, give it a go and then wait, wait for Him, He WILL show you”
I trust every person that actually has gone home and asked God to reveal himself, HE has heard and given them all they need to come home. Mainly because I was only meant to point the way, it’s only ever the Holy Spirit that convicts.
My point is… well chill. The Holy Spirit will give you the words, not degree level reasoned apologetics but real from the heart “I want this for you, badly” not because you annoy me with your atheism but because I know how much our Saviours heart aches for your return, and HIS heart and mine, well, we are starting to want the same thing.
Human philosophy and reason are rarely the reasons for a change of heart. Yes our faith is logical,
it’s reasonable and rational, but it’s the tight grip of my heart that convicts me and holds me steady.
